If you've spent any amount of time in a black church, I'm sure you've heard that salvation is free, but the anointing costs. What that means is you give up something or you suffer hurt, pain, and disappointment for the oil of your anointing. Some days, like today, I wonder if the cost is too great and if I've given up so much only to possess so little. Yes part of my dismay is related to the many days of rain and cloudy weather we've been experiencing here in the DMV. Some of it is the fatigue and isolation of being locked up in the house writing my thesis. Some of it is the financial struggles we have experienced, of which I'm growing weary. And yes some of it is even hormonal.
Yet so much of my frustration and dismay is simply coming from the fact that I just have not been able to clearly hear God's voice. We are in a strange season of transition with the business and with me coming to the conclusion of my doctoral studies. We anticipate good things, but we are very unsure of what the next chapter will be. There is also some fear the next season will not be what we hope it will. In the midst of the concerns, I still have to do life every day. I still need to write every day, I still have to keep up with the finances, I still need to sermon prep for Good Friday despite not knowing if I will even have the fire and desire to preach. It probably was also a bad idea to do a Daniel Fast for Lent given where I find myself, but perhaps that is just what I needed to do.
There is one thing God did say to my spirit. God said, "You are always trying to escape your life with a trip out of town, a vacation, dinner out somewhere, or some outing where you can momentarily live a different life. Then you hold onto a snapshot of that moment when you return to the reality of your everyday life. But wouldn't you rather fight through the hard days and transform your life so that you love every single day?"
Perhaps these days are a critical part of my life's transformation. As much as I would love to escape my life for a week or even a weekend, I'd rather live a transformed life knowing each and every day I am living the life God intended for me to live. And those days only come by way of these days.