Finally there seems to be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel on this dissertation train. Thank God! After realizing that I might actually have an outside shot of graduating in May rather than September, I have been writing like a madwoman. Up every morning between 5:30 and 6:15 am, writing all day with breaks only to shower and go to the bathroom, putting my entire life on hold to complete this- all of this has taught me so much in a very short span of time. Just two months ago, I was happily settled with the idea of graduating in September and slowly writing my thesis over the summer. By the beginning of February I suddenly discovered my want to and immediately started experiencing the kind of spiritual warfare that I thought would break me.
Now in the 20 days since I last posted I have written three chapters, received feedback on the first chapter from my supervisor, and discovered I have a fighting chance of closing this chapter of my life in May. I wish I could say I am a little less neurotic about the whole thing, but I'm not. I still worry if my writing is good enough despite the fact that my supervisor had minimal changes to chapter one. (Like seriously, four minor grammatical errors and a question about one of my references. I could have sent her roses that day!) I also still worry if she will have time to read and provide feedback on my work in time for me to get everything to my second reader in time for me to make the cut off... okay I'm sounding neurotic again.
All that being said, I've been able to take away two things from this experience particularly in the last two weeks. One is that I have been able to see the sunrise almost every morning because I'm up before the sun. That is a tremendous blessing! It reminds me that each day is a gift, and that every day really is filled with brand new mercies and new possibilities. I am writing at a level and have gotten to a point that is way beyond what I thought was possible this soon. To God be the glory!
I've also learned that I still have the ability to grind, and my grind is fierce, my grind is transformative, my grind is powerful, my grind makes ish happen. When you are waiting for doors to open and are in a situation that slowly chips away at your identity, no matter how strong and secure you are, you can't help but begin to wonder if you still have what you once thought you had. What these last two weeks have taught me is that the brilliance, the fortitude, the perseverance, the stamina, the moxie are all there. It's all still there. It's always been there, but the enemy of my soul had to use people around me to make me believe it wasn't. How unfortunate for him (and them) because I've been reminded of my power!