Today I feel sad. I can’t say I don’t know why. I feel sad for a number of reasons that I choose not to share publicly. But rest assured today I feel sad in my spirit. I have had down days and stressful days like anybody else, but it’s been some time since I felt this level of sadness. Unfortunately I have to be functionally sad (like a functional drunk) because I still have ish to do and it’s not going to wait on me to stop feeling sad.
The things that have me sad are having two specific effects on me. One, it is causing me to feel a loss of hope that things will be any different or that change for the better is coming. Secondly it is causing me to briefly entertain the lies of the enemy that tell me I am nothing, I have nothing, I am not enough, I am a liability not an asset, and all the other things that flood your mind on days like this.
Just by chance though, I happened to come across this picture from January of 2016. I remember that day because it was the first business day of 2015. I’m smiling and I look great in the pic, but I was sad that day too. I remember that as I was watching my husband leave for the day, I felt disappointed about going into a new year with the same old life. Nothing had changed for me and I would still be sitting in the house all day procrastinating on my dissertation writing without real ministry of my own to put my hands to. Whether I wrote all day or watched tv all day, it didn’t matter because I didn’t have any meaningful work. I tried to encourage myself by getting dressed early to meet the day and by cleaning up my office. Truth is I don’t really remember what I did that day, if anything. I just remember how I felt.
That morning I had no idea that by month’s end, my advisor would read chapter one of my dissertation and push me to fast track my writing so that I could graduate in May. I couldn’t have known that I would spend the summer preaching, doing workshops, and filling in for my senior pastor friends. There’s no way I could have known that by the fall I would assume a new position at a new church home. None of these things were anywhere on my mind as a possibility. But that’s exactly what happened. God turned things around!
Today I’m sad; my heart literally aches smh. Like literally. If you are where I am today, you may be thinking about what’s not happening in your life right now. But wherever you find yourself today, trust that God has SOMETHING on the horizon and it’s exceedingly abundantly above all you could ask or think!
Blessed is she who believes for there will be a performance of those things told her from the Lord. Luke 1:45